I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
