she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hope mine doesn't look like that
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
