then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
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Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
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ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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