I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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