So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
