just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
