About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
