I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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