More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so let's talk penis.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
