my phone needs a breathalizer
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
