The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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