Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
