you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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