im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
