now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
