I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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