I think my fart just growled at me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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