Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We need a shit load of segways right now
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
