i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I smell like Dick and happiness
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