What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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