Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
