He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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