I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish I only lived at night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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