Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
