i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
