just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
