I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
