yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
