I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Drunk is a universal language darling
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
