whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
so much tequila, so little girl.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
