ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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