It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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