Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
