my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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