; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
