She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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