I think im going to throw up on grandma
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
