I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I could make wine with my vomit
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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