Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
