I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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