i just wanna soil my oats bro
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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