Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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