i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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