Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
