everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
