Im at strip club and am horny
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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