I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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