I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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