i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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