I wish I could teleport
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
