38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
