he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
