I got chris browned last night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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